Only Whores Like Sex In the City

If you're not sure if you are in a dive bar,here are a few simple essentials to confirm if you are or not.

It's a dive if:

-you can get PBR in can
-the bar opens before McDonald's stops serving breakfast
-the only food is popcorn and hot dogs
-someone gets shot
-the wallpaper of the bar is made of a velvety substance
-the doorman is drinking
-the bathroom is dirty
-the jukebox has cds not the internet and the jukebox has both Ryan and Bryan Adams
-someone has passed out on the bar
-the bar's well tequila has to get scraped off your tongue by a shot of Jager
-there is an old man or woman missing teeth

It's not a dive if:

-they offer low carb beer
-they DON'T have PBR or Coors Light
-there's a DJ
-the bar is well lit
-can't hook up with the bartender

I Should Have My Own Reality Show

I tend to get lost in reflection whenever I drive past areas of Los Angeles that I used to roam when my life wasn't so good and I'm grateful to whatever circumstances brought me to where I am now.

The pull of returning to my hometown of San Francisco torments me daily.For the first time in as long as I can remember,I have a job that pays ok and that I don't hate but I've grown weary of living in LA after all these years.Besides I need to find new dive bars to inhabit.Especially ones that serve Pabst in a can.

I've seen some strange shit lately,even for LA.I was amused when the religious zealout strolled down the avenue bearing a homemade sign that read "God turns his back on the sin of abortion".What I found entertaining was when he stopped in front of Starbucks,he stood there so all could see his sign and after he waited about 10 or 20 seconds he continued on down the street.

I hadn't seen the nicotine addicted homeless old man that stalks my Starbucks for a while when he returned in fine form.The other day he kept on running in and out of the store,sometimes for a cup of water,sometimes without his shirt and sometimes for a cup of caffeine.he reminded me of the junkies in McArthur Park in between fixes.

Regrets? Why Yes, I've Had A Few Thanks For Asking

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Things That Make Me Go Hmmm

Why does Britney ALWAYS chew her gum like a cow?

And why would she rather talk on her cell phone and smoke her white trash cigarettes instead of spending time with her kids...ON HER SCHEDULED VISIT WITH THEM?

Why do whores on reality show say that they have feelings for whoever they are spreading her legs for whether its Bret Michaels,Flavor Flav or even Dominico ON THE FIRST FUCKING DAY?

And why do they have absolutely no shame in showing what big skanks they truly are?

You ever notice that whenever someone (by someone I mean sluts) says they're classy,they almost always are notorious whores

Why is grande only a medium at Starbucks?

Why does Lindsay Lohan's fame whore mom have a reality show?

How has Ryan Seacrest not been assassinated yet?

When is "Reunion" coming to DVD?

Why can't I get paid to write while drinking coffee and people watch?

Why does my girlfriend stalk me at Starbucks?

Shannon Elizabeth Is Stalking Me (but at least it's better than Chyna...or Mario Lopez...or Ricky from the movie Better Off Dead)

So besides being stalked by Shannon Elizabeth (American Pie indeed) I have witnessed a plethura of only in Babylon like moments.There was Jennifer Lopez and her Vulcan looking husband Marc Anthony auditioning hospitals for when she was to give birth to their demon spawn,Britney's paparazzi boy toy Adnan punching one of his own for (gasp) taking his picture,Bai Ling (I'm sure she's a celebrity somewhere) shoplifting batteries and magazines at LAX,the fat guy from Borat in the same underground parking garage (and driving a Mercedes...life is good) and Kyle McLaughlin at Starbucks who got a thumbs up from yours truly when I told him that being on Twin Peaks might have made up for him being on Sex In The City and him replying "sometimes you gotta pay the mortgage" Freakin' sweet! Now comes the twenty question portion of today's episode (and not in any order)

why are women obsessed with making sure they have someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve?

when did going out in public in sweats and unbrushed hair become an acceptable form of appearance?

OK that was really only two questions,but this is my blog so I will do whatever the fuck I want to do. I have a few observations that need to be addressed before we can part company for the day (again not in any order)

1) women over the age of 60 shouldn't wear black lipstick
2) 50 year old men shouldn't wear leather pants
3) everybody wants something:I want to sit in Starbucks all day and write poems for a living,the old ladies want a free newspaper so they steal them Starbucks (here's 50 cents bitch...knock your self out) the Greenpeace fuckos that hover outside don't want to talk about the environment,they want to talk about how much money you're willing to give their psycho cause (maybe if the Greenpeace whores didn't smoke their cigarettes right in front of the no smoking sign then they might have more credibility...they ain't no better than the freaking Scientologists)
4) PETA is a great cause but its members are assholes
5) and this is the most important...LARRY THE CABLE GUY MOVIES NEED TO STOP...he's not funny..not even a little bit...suck on that Foxworthy!

Stupid People Shouldn't Breathe

It's bad enough that former wrestler turned reality show joke Chyna has begun stalking me, showing up at my gym and my Starbucks not to mention slithering down the sidewalk and smiling at my piercing blue eyes. As well today I had to endure a Katherine McPhee sighting (I guess her new father...oops I mean new husband let her off her chain long enough to get a latte) the creepy 45 year old man that just had to check out every single female that walked by (maybe they don't have pretty girls where he lives...is he from Oxnard? My LA readers will get the joke) and the sweet (note the sarcasm) guy decked out in brown cowboy boots,blue jeans,Kevin Federline-like wife beater,tan sportscoat,oversized gold ring,NASCAR baseball cap and of course a blue tooth. Maybe he is part of the Armenian mafia attempted to infiltrate my tranquil little village known as Burbank.

I Declare Shenanigans

There are always a chosen few that deserves a beatdown on an epic scale.One such window licker you might know as Tyra Banks.I have never condoned physical confrontations on women,but with that waste of skin (as Chris Rock would say) I understand.So Tyra has one of those lame ass makeover shows and she invites a woman with cervical cancer to be part of the show.They fly her and her two kids (one who is blind) out to New York.Oh yeah I forgot to mention they made the woman's kids wait outside on the curb while she got the Tyra treatment.The extent of this so called makeover consisted of a new dress and a bad weave,which wouldn't have been so bad but the weave was so cheap that it caused a negative reaction and the woman had to have all her hair surgically removed.It's tough enough for a cancer patient to lose their hair after chemotherapy,but after it grows back,to have it forceably removed sucks.So the woman contacted Tyra's show only for an apology and what did she get in exchange? Tyra's classy people told her that if she badmouthed the show in public anytime over the next year that the woman (yes the one with cancer) would be sued by Tyra.See you in hell bitch!

Lifestyles Of The Rich And Stupid

Besides the misadventures of my favorite popwreck...oops I mean popstar Britney,why are celebrities such dumb fucks? It seems that once you make a million dollars in this town,that any common sense you might have had goes right out the window.Do you have examples of such yayhoo-like behaviour Mister Poet,you ponder? Funny you should ask dear reader.Let's start with the Heath Ledger tragedy.It's not an accidental overdose when you have six different prescription drugs in your system.Ain't nothing accidental about that.It's a good thing he finished shooting his role as The Joker for the upcoming Batman movie or I would have gone off like Axl Rose.Next comes Brad Renfro.If you can't stop doing heroin to save what's left a one hit wonder career,then maybe you don't deserve to breathe.So he was the kid in The Client,so fucking what? Pat O'Brien from The Insider is in rehab...again.You mean he's still alive? Who knew? What's up with that Kat Von D anti Jew autograph she gave to Ami after she got shit canned from Miami Ink? Who knew the whore was even smart enough to know how to be anti Semetic? After only pulling in $23,000 in 111 theaters (which averages out to $76 a screen or 10 people per theater) opening weekend for her new movie,will Paris Hilton now realize that the only movie america wants to see her in is one that has a XXX in the title? I would be remiss if I didn't mention Tyra Banks pooping her pants at a fashion show recently.It couldn't have happened to a dumber whore.Shit happens indeed.

Britney's Giving L.A. A Bad Name

Am I the only one sick of hearing about Britney fucking Spears? I know I will burn in hell for this,but she needs to move on to the next world.In other words (for the window lickers out there reading this) she needs to die.Put us all out of fucking misery.She's sucking up too much space on my beloved TMZ.com.Maybe K-Fed wasn't the freak show after all.At the very least,she needs to join the cast of Celebrity Rehab.

No Wonder The Animals Are Laughing At Us

Here in beautiful Burbank,we have what is known as the Burbank Homeless Shelter.The beauty of this place is that you can't just walk in.You have to take a shuttle.TO THE FUCKING SHELTER! How goddamn pretentious.This town is so ridiculous.Thats not even the best part.Get this,to get information about about how to get the shuttle IT GETS MAILED TO YOUR HOUSE! If you have a residence,then you don't need the fucking shelter! Stupid no talent ass clowns.I hate this town.

Greenpeace Is The New Scientology

Supposedly Los Angeles is the music capital of the United States,but can someone please tell me why there are no good radio station in this town? You have KROQ that plays the same Linkin Park,Red Hot Chili Peppers,Nirvana and Foo Fighters songs over and over.Jack FM tries to mix it up but still I get Sweet Child O' Mine,Don't Stop Believin' and Livin' On A Prayer time after time.KIIS has Ryan Seacrest so 'nuff said.KYSR is attempted to be rock,but they're just trying to be KROQ.KLOS spins the same "classic rock" tunes of Van Halen,Doobie Brothers and The Eagles non stop.There used to be a time when radio fucking ruled in LA.We had the almighty KNAC (Pure fucking rock bitches!) for the metal heads and Pirate Radio for the big hair lovers.Now we have nothing.No wonder satellite is such a hit.I just think the idea of paying for radio makes about as much sense as asking Jessica Simpson her opinions on the political climate.

Narcissism Is The New Black

Did I mention that I hate this town? Don't kid yourself,Tinsel Town lives up to the stereotype on a daily basis and the narcissism drenches me with the shallow until vanity coarses through my veins as well.The days of enjoying white trash beer in low lit bars on Hollywood Boulevard among my fellow broken down hearts are over.Now the revellers are part of the hip crowd that i loathe so much.Bukowski would consider this vile and deplorable.If you walk into any Starbucks now,there is no shortage of "look at me writing my script on my laptop" types.The percentage of attention whores that frequent these establishments is astronomical.Whether walking or driving,the afflicted are constantly in a hurry to get nowhere in particular.It never ceases to amuse me the lengths the citizens of Los Angeles county go to overemphasize just how important they want you to think they are.Did I mention that I hate this fucking town? Maybe I should just move to Greenwich Village in NYC and lead the bohemian life I deserve.